I am weak, but you are strong
In man’s view I am insignificant, but you show me my value
Only in you, can I be satisfied
You know me deeply
You care for me
You save me from the dark valley
Help my steps to be established by you
Help me to be more than a conqueror
Through the challenges and difficulties, you face me, you are my shield, my rock, my fortress

I am a new creation, though sometimes I feel that I act like old self.
I try to cut bad thoughts that are not edifying to my spirit, but it’s been so hard to so.

Some bros say I smile too much (smiling in wrong situation), but now that I reflect, I actually don’t smile outside of “church’ or when bro/sis not around. Not that I don’t feel anything, when I am by myself I feel weak (or much worse); I just think negatively . Was reminded to not add attack myself along with enemy. Yesterday reminded me of new creation more. That the old is gone and the new came.

Some bros know how I think, positively or negatively, because I keep saying what I think or feel. It’s not helping anyone and I just end up dwelling on my thoughts and feeling. Even when I realize it’s just the enemy and with me kinda helping attack myself.

I feel so powerless that I don’t have the strength to be positive than to be negative or cut thoughts/feelings. But I know it takes practice and time. And turning back to him.

June 29 2019 on bus to work.

After joining team for 30 mins and on bus after taking short nap

Your always waiting for me
Many times I stumble
I have been far away from you
But your love is always the same
Never changing
Through all the seasons, through all my life
Your love to me is the same
Through the years I have seen people come and go
But you have kept me
When I was in my saddest point, you uplift me
Without you, I do not know how I would handle
Lord I am glad that you brought my back from darkness
I was lost, but you found me
I was weak, but you strengthen me
Lord you are my all, my everything
In you I can be satisfied

June 22

Perhaps I should share some of this verbally one day, Bunch of topics mixed in.

I thank brothers and sisters for your support for the support from young to now. Over the 20 years and probably the 5 years before that, I have grown from how I was back then.

I was more shy then I was now, though my dad said I’d stopped talking due to some circumstance that happened, it pretty bad

– Greeting people, I actually have no problem with this at work, because it was a fresh start. But at 123, it’s been harder to greet brothers and sisters. Fee years ago, b/s helped me in this aspect.

I thank some brothers and sisters that’ve been greeting me. They would be the ones to take initiative. Though now i’ve been trying to take initiative to greet first. To some it’s easier for me to greet. Being able to take initiative to greet is an important skill. How do you approach new friends, volunteers if you can’t take initiative to say hi?

My fleshly feeling and thoughts: Now I know that it is something I need to put to the past and strive forward for the goal. I already knew that long ago, but I’ve let it overrun. I counselled myself and told myself if it’s distracting and you lose focus, then it would be just something to overcome like my board game/card game collection. Which I’ve stopped and donated some.

Eventually the feeling and thought will go away, God allowed this to happen for me to rely on Him, trust in Him. To go back before Him. Only in Him can I be satisfied. The truth is before this year, my Spirit was pretty much in its lowest point, but earlier this year I wanted to overcome the feeling and thought, I prayed the precious prayer. Eventually my spirit and holy spirit gave me the push. To revive my spirit.

Voicing out: Now i’ve only managed to voice out on team time, and Friday break-bread and once on Sunday. My goal is to voice out in every meeting unless “incidentally” I have work. Sometimes I have a mix of wanting to voice out. That I would try, just can’t get the words out and heart best faster, etc. And sometimes I don’t even plan to voice out, especially in big group meeting. But I know it is wrong. I join worship to respond to Him.

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What I typed after team yesterday: I felt the worship in team and night comforted me. The week I’ve wrote my blog, the Lord comforted me through the team and worship.

I know for sure you will guide me
You will not leave me astray
Though I may feel pain suffer now
But all these will pass away
All things you shall take care
You cause me to strive on

I shall face all trials with you with joy and peace
When I rely on you, you will cause me to not fall
No matter the pain, sorrows, I will continue to strive for you

I had enough of letting my thoughts and feelings overrun me.
Just that I thought these feelings are normal and part of your desires.
But really I’ve let the enemy deceive me and made me go into a hole that should had never been dug.
The enemy use your circumstance, and weakness against you

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