Dec 1 2020

My son, my son. Father holding me you will not be tired. As we grow old, we may not embrace our parents as much, but Father always embraces us. Having a heart of child. As I grew older may feel strange to be embraced parents.

November 30 2020

In the team treasure that Lord loved us since the beginning, His love has never changed. We’re His love dream. His love started before we believe in Him. Treasure from young till old He His love is fervent. His love is wholehearted, and He loved us wholehearted since the beginning.

Draft 3

Hi everyone, my name is Devin. I grew up in Vancouver and I have been living with my parents and my older sister.

I always thought my family situation wasn’t good, but when compared to other friends’ stories whose parents were involved in gambling, drinking, relationship problems, and/or even violence, thankfully my family have not experienced that. Without knowing God in my life, I would have thought otherwise.

Growing up

Growing up, I have had quite a normal upbringing; my parents worked hard to support us. I felt that my parents loved and cared for me, 

My father tried to make us feel happy by buying toys and using other ways when I was a kid. My mother usually prepares meals.  However, for most of my life, our parents were too busy because of work. I only recall going to park sometimes, and to the PNE once a year and sometimes Christmas outing.

 When I was in grade 4 after moving and changing schools, usually, it would be just my sister and myself at home. I didn’t mind as there was a TV to watch and then started to go to friends’ houses. During that time, I was already attending classes organized by the church.

Besides being hit by feather duster as punishment, this all looks and sounds so typical. However, I still had feelings of wanting a better family, even asking why I was born in this family. 

Why did I feel that way?

While growing up, even until adolescence, my parents would have arguments. Usually, all the arguments are about in-laws because my mother was most likely because of negative experiences; she did not get along with them. She had resentment towards them. When my grandparents and aunt moved in with us in my early childhood, there were also some bickering. Eventually, they moved out, and I believe the reason was because of my mother. My mother, at some point, even took back the rice cooker from them.

Despite my mother having resentment towards them, I do not recall any violence among family members. In my early years of elementary, my grandparents even babysat us. Then my mother would pick us up after work.

However, my sister and mother do not have a good relationship. My sister still resents and despises my mother. Whenever they talk, it’s usually my mother scolding my sister or argument. Sometimes my mother can lose her temper and control and breaks things. 

Later in elementary, I believed in God; what attracted me was the love of brothers and sisters. They showed care and support to my family. My sister and dad also believed in God.

DId anything change after believing?

Even after believing, there were still some arguments among my parents. In my early adolescent years, my grandmother was ill and passed away; my parents always had arguments. Because my mother still had resentment, she did not visit my grandmother or attend the funeral at the dismay of my father and family friends. One time, my father even asked me whom I would go with if my parents split apart. 

What about now after ?

Today, my parents are still together, and there are barely any arguments now. The arguments are just trivial matters; my mother’s attitude towards in-laws are much better now. She even visited a sick family member on my dad’s side, and recently my aunt drove by, and they were talking.

Had struggle challenge last December

Recently in December, my mother prevented me from going on a trip with church friends. Brothers and sisters in the church prayed and supported me. A brother and sister even came to speak with my mother, even as my mother was yelling at them. Though I was visibly upset, I knew my mother cared for me and worried because I never flew out on my own before.

Experiences like these caused me to experience God’s love more. Few weeks before the trip, I prayed to God that I wanted my mother to know God’s love and believe in Him. Perhaps He used this to show the love of God’s family. God causes all things to work together for us. I do not have any resentment towards my mother for her actions.

 I know He leads and guides me. I shall never lead me astray. I may suffer now, but one day all these will pass away. He takes care of all things. In storms and waves, I could strive on.

In face of trial and tribulation, I can rejoice and have peace. When I have faith and rely on Him, I shall not stumble. In all pains and sorrows I can continue on this march of love. 

Draft 2

Hi everyone, my name is Devin, and I grew up in Vancouver with my older sister. We currently live with my mother and father.

While growing up during elementary, my parents often got into arguments in which sometimes I would already be sleeping. Though I don’t remember what they were about, I believe they were mostly about relatives, as my mother did not get along with her in-laws.

To others, my family looks normal. My parents did not involve in gambling or drinking; they would work hard to make money to try to take care of my sister and me. My mother worked morning until late afternoon or night. My father would go to work in the afternoon until very late at night.

In my early elementary years, my grandparents on my father’s side came to Canada and lived with us. However, as I mentioned, my mother did not get along with in-laws; she forced them to move out, even going to their suite and take back a rice cooker.

When my grandmother was sick, she didn’t visit or even attend her funeral. She would argue when asked to go, she would complain about in-laws. During that period, my father asked me whom I would go with if my father and mother split apart.

My sister doesn’t like my mother for all those things she did to others and herself. However, despite all the problems at home, we all still live together. Sometimes, we may have an argument here and there, but not as bad as the past.

Personally, I seldom get into an argument with my family. However recently I had a trip planned last December with others in the church, in which I paid for my ticket and got my things ready to go. However, in the end, my mother stopped me from going. Some friends from church even came over to my house to talk to my mother. She talked loudly and argued with them, but they continued to speak with her.

Often in elementary, I would visit friends; when I see their family, I would often compare mines to theirs, and when I first came to church and seeing friends from church, I would see how healthy and good their family atmosphere is, wishing I had the same.

When I believed in God, I was attracted by the care and love of brothers and sisters in the church. When I learned how to be close to God, I stopped having depressing thoughts. Despite facing family struggles, brothers and sisters gave me support, care, and concern.

Testimony draft

Draft

My name is Devin and I believed in God when I was in elementary. While growing up there are many family issues and personal struggles in my life.

Family struggles:

While I was growing up, my parents would get into arguments, sometimes I would already be asleep and wake up to their yelling at each other. I would question or think why did I have to born in this family? I often compare myself with others

 In the past My mother didn’t get along with relatives on my father’s side. She and my sister doesn’t get along to this day. When my grandparents on my father’s side came to Canada and lived with us. I don’t recall arguments, but I do know that my mother forced my grandparents to move somewhere else. When my grandmother was ill and when she passed away, my mother did not go visit or even go to her funeral. She always complained about relatives on my father’s side. 

When I was in my grade 12 year, the year I got baptized. My mother threatened me if I get baptized, she would kick me out the house. I didn’t share it to others that day, but my sister mentioned. I was crying when mentioned, and they prayed for me. However, I still went through with the baptism. When I got home, she found out, and screamed at me. Fortunately nothing else happened afterwards and I continue to go to meeting.

Recently I had a trip planned last December with others in the church, in which I paid for my ticket and got my things ready. However in the end my mother stopped me from going. A brother and sister even came over to my house to talk to my mother. She yelled at them, but they continued to talk with her. During that time brothers and sisters showed care and support through call and prayer. I was 30, but yet I let my mother  control me. Others did not judge me, but it still felt embarrassing. I am a person that tend to worry about how people see me. 

Despite all these struggles and challenges, without knowing God I do not know where I would be. Many times I would pray and talk to God, many times just complaining about situations. I struggled to preach gospel to my mother, because it difficult to forget the shadow. But still I pray for my mother to believe in God and try to overcome because in the bible it tells us that we need to forget what lies behind and just go forward. 

“Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 3:13-14 ESV

Thanksgiving

Well I already did some thanking, but there’s still so much I give thanks for.

Sunday Oct 13, we had some thanksgiving for people in our life, and brothers & sisters in church. There were many brothers and sisters that shepherded me. It’s been 25+ years give or take. Mentioned before, but some time after I moved to Knight st(before 1998) I didn’t have contact anymore, until my God’s grace through some brothers and sisters giving flyers then I came to 123.

I give thanks I can involve myself in meeting again. Most probably forget or don’t know, I actually never involved myself in meeting prior to 2008 and as mentioned I’ve been at 123 around 1998. So trying to breakthrough was so hard at that time.

I am weak, but you are strong
In man’s view I am insignificant, but you show me my value
Only in you, can I be satisfied
You know me deeply
You care for me
You save me from the dark valley
Help my steps to be established by you
Help me to be more than a conqueror
Through the challenges and difficulties, you face me, you are my shield, my rock, my fortress

I am a new creation, though sometimes I feel that I act like old self.
I try to cut bad thoughts that are not edifying to my spirit, but it’s been so hard to so.

Some bros say I smile too much (smiling in wrong situation), but now that I reflect, I actually don’t smile outside of “church’ or when bro/sis not around. Not that I don’t feel anything, when I am by myself I feel weak (or much worse); I just think negatively . Was reminded to not add attack myself along with enemy. Yesterday reminded me of new creation more. That the old is gone and the new came.

Some bros know how I think, positively or negatively, because I keep saying what I think or feel. It’s not helping anyone and I just end up dwelling on my thoughts and feeling. Even when I realize it’s just the enemy and with me kinda helping attack myself.

I feel so powerless that I don’t have the strength to be positive than to be negative or cut thoughts/feelings. But I know it takes practice and time. And turning back to him.

June 29 2019 on bus to work.

After joining team for 30 mins and on bus after taking short nap

Your always waiting for me
Many times I stumble
I have been far away from you
But your love is always the same
Never changing
Through all the seasons, through all my life
Your love to me is the same
Through the years I have seen people come and go
But you have kept me
When I was in my saddest point, you uplift me
Without you, I do not know how I would handle
Lord I am glad that you brought my back from darkness
I was lost, but you found me
I was weak, but you strengthen me
Lord you are my all, my everything
In you I can be satisfied

June 22

Perhaps I should share some of this verbally one day, Bunch of topics mixed in.

I thank brothers and sisters for your support for the support from young to now. Over the 20 years and probably the 5 years before that, I have grown from how I was back then.

I was more shy then I was now, though my dad said I’d stopped talking due to some circumstance that happened, it pretty bad

– Greeting people, I actually have no problem with this at work, because it was a fresh start. But at 123, it’s been harder to greet brothers and sisters. Fee years ago, b/s helped me in this aspect.

I thank some brothers and sisters that’ve been greeting me. They would be the ones to take initiative. Though now i’ve been trying to take initiative to greet first. To some it’s easier for me to greet. Being able to take initiative to greet is an important skill. How do you approach new friends, volunteers if you can’t take initiative to say hi?

My fleshly feeling and thoughts: Now I know that it is something I need to put to the past and strive forward for the goal. I already knew that long ago, but I’ve let it overrun. I counselled myself and told myself if it’s distracting and you lose focus, then it would be just something to overcome like my board game/card game collection. Which I’ve stopped and donated some.

Eventually the feeling and thought will go away, God allowed this to happen for me to rely on Him, trust in Him. To go back before Him. Only in Him can I be satisfied. The truth is before this year, my Spirit was pretty much in its lowest point, but earlier this year I wanted to overcome the feeling and thought, I prayed the precious prayer. Eventually my spirit and holy spirit gave me the push. To revive my spirit.

Voicing out: Now i’ve only managed to voice out on team time, and Friday break-bread and once on Sunday. My goal is to voice out in every meeting unless “incidentally” I have work. Sometimes I have a mix of wanting to voice out. That I would try, just can’t get the words out and heart best faster, etc. And sometimes I don’t even plan to voice out, especially in big group meeting. But I know it is wrong. I join worship to respond to Him.

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What I typed after team yesterday: I felt the worship in team and night comforted me. The week I’ve wrote my blog, the Lord comforted me through the team and worship.

I know for sure you will guide me
You will not leave me astray
Though I may feel pain suffer now
But all these will pass away
All things you shall take care
You cause me to strive on

I shall face all trials with you with joy and peace
When I rely on you, you will cause me to not fall
No matter the pain, sorrows, I will continue to strive for you

I had enough of letting my thoughts and feelings overrun me.
Just that I thought these feelings are normal and part of your desires.
But really I’ve let the enemy deceive me and made me go into a hole that should had never been dug.
The enemy use your circumstance, and weakness against you

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