Devin 廖啟雄

Philippians 3: 12-14 (Straining Toward the Goal)

Phil 3:12-Phil 3:16 ESV—Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press… https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Phil.3.12-Phil.3.16&version=ESV via @biblegateway

\Leave your old life behind (forget what lies behind), look forward for what lies ahead.

Romans 8:

It is the Spirit that helps us in our weakness. The flesh cannot help me overcome. I have written that I want to voice out in meeting, share. Which I have been able to do in the past. And now I hesitate even when I have something I want to say. Though I was able to voice out in last Friday team time and yesterday’s break-bread. But it actually took me a long time actually get the words out. But once I get one word out, I can say the rest without issue. However, it is not my flesh that push me to voice out, it my spirit. It is still going to be difficult for awhile, but if I rely on the Spirit and the Lord he will surely help me.

Shared it in our team time this morning, that we don’t worship in flesh but in spirit and truth (John 4:24) It is the flesh that hinders me from voicing out, I feel nervous, I tend to consider a lot.

In summary, use my Spirit to overcome my weakness, forget the past and just move forward.

So I live with my parents and my older sister. Though now my family seem fine, but in the past there were arguments here and there.

My mother also didn’t get along with my dad’s family side. Which my dad said the arguments also affected me, because he said I used to talk alot. But stopped talking after arguments between family. So I became the opposite of my parents because they talk a lot, and super loud too. Hear him from stationary cabinet at room b at the back.

My relationship with my sister is good. Though she has a bad relationship with our mother. (Leave it at that) some brothers and sisters know about this.

As some know my sister used to go to 123, even Chinatown and believed and baptized before me. But eventually stopped, though sometimes go another place, but I don’t think she does anymore.

The sisters sometimes ask me to invite her to events, but I do sometimes, but sometimes I don’t.

My dad sometimes has to work now on Sundays, but still join fellowship outside with some Chinese group brothers.

I seldom pray for my family and other relatives, but I know I have to at least pray for them.

As I mentioned, in the past I broke through singing, voicing out and sharing, but certain circumstances happened and I stopped voicing and sharing.

Now whenever I want to voice out or share I have the same problem as I had in the past. I get nervous and my heart beat faster.

Now I have to overcome again, it is not easy for me. But I know I have support.

As I written previously I said I have feelings from the flesh, it is not affecting me as much now. Though I sometimes complain to God, but I know He understands me deeply and cause things to work together for my good. Past couple weeks felt the songs sung in team/worship/personal tells me of His care and understanding.

So feel this challenge actually cause me to know how to guard myself and listen to Him. He knows my path and my lying down.

This has been written before, but still stuck with me. When I first came to the church in Chinatown, I really don’t remember anything, besides the people and their care. I only listened to whatever they said but didn’t really understand much at that time. I do remember watching slides.

Then I moved, by God’s grace brought me to 123 during grade 3. I came because of classes my dad signed me up for. I joined Saturdays and the day camps. Though I still haven’t believed yet until around grade 5 a brother preached to me and believed. Then for whatever reason I didn’t come to Sunday meetings. And when I was in grade 6 and 7 I started coming home late.

One day, brother Frankie invited me to join Sunday, I came with him. Then I started coming on Sundays.

I only joined Sundays, but after I started high school, I didn’t stay out late anymore and when I started volunteering at day camp, I joined Friday meeting.

During this time I also joined the break bread meeting. But also I didn’t involve myself, I didn’t sing or voice out.

Then in my grade 12 year, in 2006 in November I was asked whether I wanted to get baptized.

My dad was ok, but my mom didn’t want me to. Forward to the day of my baptism, something happened (I will share it if you ask me, don’t really want to share it on blog, involves being kicked out which didn’t happen)

Even then I still haven’t broke through singing and voicing out.

Then in 2008 camp, was when I broke through singing and voicing out. And somewhat was able to share. When I try to voice out my heart would beat faster and nervous, but overcame that.

Then some time later I voiced out more, during Sunday and the other meetings.

Then after I got sick for awhile, I stopped voicing out and sharing. Though I was reminded. Then I got complacent.

It got worst when I started working, because I didn’t join much meetings.

Although even then I still sometimes have feeling of wanting to voice out, but keep finding excuse to not to.

To be continued.

I realize that I cannot let my spirit be like this. I have been going to church before I was in grade 3. I had breakthroughs throughout my journey. Then I let my spirit fall back.

Through the holy spirit I felt my spirit’s needs. I woke up at 7:30am, I was tearing up because I realize I can no longer just let my spirit be like this. It would had been easier to have my spirit rebound if I only listened to bro/sis when my spirit was going low. Now it is so difficult because it would seem my spirit plateaued this low point.

Back when I was coming to 123 throughout elementary and high school, I didn’t involve myself in worship. I wouldn’t even sing the songs. But after a camp, I was able to breakthrough that. Voicing out and sharing came a bit later. However, after awhile it wasn’t consistent, then eventually it dropped off.

I was reminded to voice out and share, but never did. I know God wants to ignite the spark in spirit again.

Many bro/sis do not know this, but I do have a lot of feelings and thoughts from my flesh. Which affects me mentally and emotionally. Many times I may not know what God wants, but I know what my flesh wants and let that affect me. How I started hear the cry of my spirit is also because of my flesh; because I wanted to not be affected by my flesh, I started to do the precious prayers more. Honestly I haven’t been doing for awhile

I did pray to God to show me direction, so through the holy spirit he told me that I need to renew my spirit. Re-ignite the spark.

I found that the recent messages also align to my struggles the past weeks or even months.

I’ve also thought of the brothers and sisters that shepherded me from young till now. I feel that I let them down. I put myself in their shoes. When is he going to voice out or share? If I were the older bro/sis that helped me and I see myself, it’s not a good feeling. Although I know they won’t have these sorts of accusations, but I need breakthrough again.

Honestly I feel so bad for them, I don’t want them to feel that they couldn’t support me or bring my spirit to where it should had been.

So now, though I know that it won’t be easy but I promised God that I will lift my spirit up again. I also need help. Frankie shared about car parts, one part fail, it makes car not work properly, though you can still move but not as well. But I feel that what did I do? I didn’t care and just go which is like my spiritual state. Even when I wanted to actually voice out again and share (from reminders) again I relied on my own strength. I am not a mechanic so I wouldn’t been able to fix a car, but yet I try to DIY fix even though that does not work. What I needed is a mechanic to fix the car. So I need to rely on brothers and sisters to help me and Abba, Lord and Holy Spirit.

Looks like I am blogging again to get my thoughts and feelings out. During break-bread I felt the holy spirit tell me that I should respond to God and voice out and some bro/sis prayers did seem to reflect that. I haven’t voiced out for many years, I broke through voicing out before, but for some reasons I’ve stopped. I’ve also stopped sharing in meetings. I do sometimes wanted to voice out, but I do not find the courage to and strength. I don’t recall the last time I’ve voiced out. I know God miss hearing my prayers. Now I realize that even when I wanted to voice out, I relied on my own strength, not by Holy Spirit.

I’ve actually started to do the prayers more stably lately. The prayers are helpful especially part 3, because I do have my fleshly desires. Honestly it is my fleshly desires that made me want to do the prayers more, so I do not have the feelings as much. When I do the prayers I do try my best to do all the parts. So I prayer for breakthroughs for our spirit, body and ministry. But the holy spirit said you pray may you help me and all brothers and sisters to have glorious breakthroughs. But you actually don’t do it.

I want to overcome my difficulties again so I need to rely on Him. You may notice that I don’t like to ask for help, I do everything myself even if it is difficult. Told me I need to ask for help from bro/sis also.

other note:

My flesh has really affected me a lot for the past few months, on some days my thoughts and feelings are flooding my mind. I know that I should focus on my spirit then satisfying my flesh, but by my own strength I cannot do it.