My Spiritual State

I realize that I cannot let my spirit be like this. I have been going to church before I was in grade 3. I had breakthroughs throughout my journey. Then I let my spirit fall back.

Through the holy spirit I felt my spirit’s needs. I woke up at 7:30am, I was tearing up because I realize I can no longer just let my spirit be like this. It would had been easier to have my spirit rebound if I only listened to bro/sis when my spirit was going low. Now it is so difficult because it would seem my spirit plateaued this low point.

Back when I was coming to 123 throughout elementary and high school, I didn’t involve myself in worship. I wouldn’t even sing the songs. But after a camp, I was able to breakthrough that. Voicing out and sharing came a bit later. However, after awhile it wasn’t consistent, then eventually it dropped off.

I was reminded to voice out and share, but never did. I know God wants to ignite the spark in spirit again.

Many bro/sis do not know this, but I do have a lot of feelings and thoughts from my flesh. Which affects me mentally and emotionally. Many times I may not know what God wants, but I know what my flesh wants and let that affect me. How I started hear the cry of my spirit is also because of my flesh; because I wanted to not be affected by my flesh, I started to do the precious prayers more. Honestly I haven’t been doing for awhile

I did pray to God to show me direction, so through the holy spirit he told me that I need to renew my spirit. Re-ignite the spark.

I found that the recent messages also align to my struggles the past weeks or even months.

I’ve also thought of the brothers and sisters that shepherded me from young till now. I feel that I let them down. I put myself in their shoes. When is he going to voice out or share? If I were the older bro/sis that helped me and I see myself, it’s not a good feeling. Although I know they won’t have these sorts of accusations, but I need breakthrough again.

Honestly I feel so bad for them, I don’t want them to feel that they couldn’t support me or bring my spirit to where it should had been.

So now, though I know that it won’t be easy but I promised God that I will lift my spirit up again. I also need help. Frankie shared about car parts, one part fail, it makes car not work properly, though you can still move but not as well. But I feel that what did I do? I didn’t care and just go which is like my spiritual state. Even when I wanted to actually voice out again and share (from reminders) again I relied on my own strength. I am not a mechanic so I wouldn’t been able to fix a car, but yet I try to DIY fix even though that does not work. What I needed is a mechanic to fix the car. So I need to rely on brothers and sisters to help me and Abba, Lord and Holy Spirit.

What I felt today April 14 2019

Looks like I am blogging again to get my thoughts and feelings out. During break-bread I felt the holy spirit tell me that I should respond to God and voice out and some bro/sis prayers did seem to reflect that. I haven’t voiced out for many years, I broke through voicing out before, but for some reasons I’ve stopped. I’ve also stopped sharing in meetings. I do sometimes wanted to voice out, but I do not find the courage to and strength. I don’t recall the last time I’ve voiced out. I know God miss hearing my prayers. Now I realize that even when I wanted to voice out, I relied on my own strength, not by Holy Spirit.

I’ve actually started to do the prayers more stably lately. The prayers are helpful especially part 3, because I do have my fleshly desires. Honestly it is my fleshly desires that made me want to do the prayers more, so I do not have the feelings as much. When I do the prayers I do try my best to do all the parts. So I prayer for breakthroughs for our spirit, body and ministry. But the holy spirit said you pray may you help me and all brothers and sisters to have glorious breakthroughs. But you actually don’t do it.

I want to overcome my difficulties again so I need to rely on Him. You may notice that I don’t like to ask for help, I do everything myself even if it is difficult. Told me I need to ask for help from bro/sis also.

other note:

My flesh has really affected me a lot for the past few months, on some days my thoughts and feelings are flooding my mind. I know that I should focus on my spirit then satisfying my flesh, but by my own strength I cannot do it.

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